​“Like the blind man said as he wandered into a cannibal village . . .

“Alright! The country fair must be right up ahead. I smell barbecue!”

John Rachel

AT LAST  the sun has arrived and it’s time to dust off the rusty barbie from the garden shed. Now, for some of you that will mean a rush to find the latest three-for-a-tenner offer but before you do, please let me burst a bubble or two about such bargains.

Three for a tenner offers tend to come with two forms of stock, old and on its way out or simply plain cheap. Now the former is a gamble that can often win out so I won’t dwell on those, but as for the cheapies... oh dear.

In a bottle of wine priced under £4.99 there’s less then 12p worth of wine due to immovable costs such as glass, packaging, labour, tax and so on. This rises exponentially above £5 so that by the time you get to a £10 bottle a third of the cost is actually wine rather than 3.2 per cent under a fiver. These are well-known figures, but for some the urge to save is greater than the urge to face reality, hence three-for-a-tenner deals or trips to France where some vineyards will fill up a plastic gallon container for one or two euros. Urgh!

The idea is simply dreadful and, to be honest, drinking like that is one step away from home-made cider hidden in a carrier bag in the park. Yes I’m a fussy sod but at least if you are ever invited to my house for a glass you know its going to be more than 12p worth!

So, what to drink with the barbie? The big problem with barbecue food is us - ie, the quality of the chef. Unless you’re the perfectionist type who reads Mrs Beaton from a bookstand attached to the barbie, it all ends up looking like the result of a napalm attack, and if you are extremely lucky the heat has gone all the way through and eliminated all the bugs. 

You can start to see why lots of folk accompany barbie food with lager but as I can only face that awful liquid when the air temperature is above 30c, I’m going to recommend wine and some really good ones.

Personally I generally partner barbecue food with white wines. That’s partly because I really am an awful (yet very keen) barbie chef but also because the cooling effect of a chilled white is just heaven while your tastebuds are doing their best to negotiate a lump of unidentifiable meat fresh from a flame. 

To be honest, with barbie foods many whites will suffice but there are two styles that stand head and shoulders above the rest: Sauvignon Blanc and Gewurztraminer. 

Sauvignon is, of course, the classic white grape from the Loire Valley where it produces bone-crushingly dry wines with what the wine makers call ‘astringency’. I prefer to call it ‘like licking the A595 from the Pelican garage all the way to the new bypass.’ 

The Loire Sauvignons (Sancerres and Poulley Fumes) were once highly popular as refreshing wines until Cloudy Bay in New Zealand showed the world exactly what you can achieve with the same grape, cleaner tanks and a little bit of modern thinking. Now I personally wouldn’t touch them with a bargepole if there was a new Zealand version on offer as well.

Gewurztraminer’s spiritual home is the Alsace region of France where it produces sweet sticky wines as well as intense, bone-dry versions. Unlike the Loire Sauvignons, I cannot complain about the general quality of the French versions of Gewurztraminer other than the price when compared to the New World. South Africa, for example, produces an absolute gem called the Beautiful Lady for just under £20 which would easily cost double that for the same quality in the Alsace.

While both of these wines are crisp and refreshing, the Gewurztraminer is perhaps most suited to people with a sweeter, softer tooth, as even the bone-dry versions are flowery and lip-smacking.

Of course there are some folks for whom only red will do, no matter what the dish, so for you there’s only one choice - Merlot. It’s the Swiss Army knife of the wine world, able to compete flavour for flavour with carcinogenic meat while also able to be served up on its own as an aperitif (or, if you believe the national press, a midweek comfort blanket for many middle income housewives). I’ve said it before in this column but you have to be a pickle short of a sandwich to make a bad Merlot: the grape is just so easy to work with and really is the one that keeps on giving in terms of flavour. Steeped as they are in velvety autumn fruit jam flavours and almost devoid of noticeable tannins, the Merlot grape is the one to aim for when you really can't be bothered trying or when buying a gift for that really awkward person.

I should of course mention the other favourite with barbies, lager. Yes I know what I said, but when the sun is at its hottest and the meat is turning black and crispy sometimes a lager is just heaven - but again, as with wine please please don’t buy cheap rubbish. Becks is about the most basic drink my tastebuds will allow to pass my lips but if you can get hold of Leffe Blonde from Belgium (I think most of the big supermarkets stock it now) then try that one. Served chilled, Leffe is like lager with cream and feels like a warm day massage for your tongue.

Anyway, before I recommend anything, please do remember to take all the right precautions with the barbie. Yes, it’s obvious that it's hot and dangerous and the national press remind you every year to thoroughly cook the meat, but as we've discussed today, barbies come with alcoholb and alcohol dumbs the brain cells - so think safe, even if you do think I'm a nanny for reminding you.