Visitors or new residents to Cumbria need t o be given a list of instructions.

This would explain why a starving Cumbrian would need a coat rather than food. It would explain why a village called Torpenhow is pronounced Trapenna or Greysouthen is Greysoon.

There is one thing that no instruction manual could explain, however, and that is the Egremont Crab Fair.

The obvious first question is: what does it have to do with crabs?

According to the official website: “Egremont Crab Fair and Sports was established in 1267, which makes it one of the oldest fairs in the world.

“ It combines ancient and traditional events with modern attractions in a unique way, attracting visitors from all over the world.

“Events start at teatime on Friday with a free concert and Dancing In The Street.

“Main street comes to life again on Saturday morning with the Apple Cart being the spectacle at 12.30pm.

“Then follow the crowds up to the Crab Fair Field to check out all the local producers, take a look in the craft marquee, foodhall marquee, watch the sports, dog shows, equestrian events, ferret shows and much more.

“The kids will love the kids area with their very own kids arena and lots of fair rides, mobile zoo and other star attractions, if its music you enjoy get up to Crab Fest and dance into the night.”

And then, of course, there is the gurning contest - a hen we moaned as children we were sometimes told to “stop gurning” - a world championship no less.

How and why it came about is not recorded but the competition certainly add fun - and perhaps a little horror- to the fair.

This can't be verified but we have been told that some people have their teeth removed to give them more flexibility. That counts as horrific as the only thing scarier than some of the faces they pull, is the thought of a needless visit to the dentist and having teeth pulled that needn't be.

It is bizarre, fun, exiting and plenty to do and something totally different to see - ad the good news is, it is back this year on Thursday, Friday and Saturday on September 15,16 and 16.