So the reds, greens, blues and, er, other colours are out competing for our votes. I’ve had a plethora of propaganda shoved through a letterbox that only ever has bingo flyers and Betterware catalogues passing through it.

Things at work aren’t much better. As well as voting for an MP I’m forced to vote for Employee of the Year! In the past I’ve observed verbal violence within my workplace family, watching as everyone praises and slates the potential candidates. Meanwhile I’m desperately trying to avoid eye contact lest I be dragged into it, forced to pick a side, or worse, make EVERYONE in the office a cup of tea as a way of defusing the situation. Usually my tea exacerbates things – I find that good old English hugs-in-a-mug don’t have the desired effect when they look like they were made with an 80% milk-to-tea ratio. Now Janice, that woman makes a stupendous cuppa! You could stand a spoon up in one of her brews!

The point I’m making is that all this debating and campaigning makes me a tad uncomfortable in a place where it’s my legal right to "borrow" Cath from accounting’s expensive coffee. I lack the – what would you call it? Ability? Intelligence? Brain? – to choose a winner. I can’t even figure out who the rightful winner of the X Factor should be. I am incapable of reason and I’m so indecisive! I think.

To avoid any potential conflict about things I don’t understand I’ve developed a rather convenient case of selective hearing. It’s actually worked a treat for some time.

A couple of the guys asked me who I was voting for in the office election. I didn’t even have time to respond before they started highlighting their strengths and tearing each other down. Unlike a certain Prince, I could feel the sweat forming on my forehead and that hairy patch on my lower back. With the pressure mounting, I did the only thing I thought appropriate. I ignored them.

"Who you voting for?" one pushed me. "Come on, we wanna know who’s getting the Amazon gift card!"

I took a few slurps of coffee, still staring into oblivion.

At that moment the manager walked in so everybody did what they always do, minimised their browsers and slid the Doritos into their drawers. We pretended to look busy but several individuals would NOT let things lie and kept whispering over as I tried to construct a cocoon of stationery so that I could play Word Connect on my mobile.

Change of tactic time. So I smiled politely and handed them a stapler or a Biro. When that didn’t work I did the old ‘what?’ whisper response while shaking my head. Then they started writing notes and I was forced to hide my specs and squint.

I was doing well until I overheard them announcing the nominees… yes, ME. Apparently I’m the favourite because I don’t nick the company toilet roll and I’m capable of washing a mug.

I don’t know, maybe my senses will have made a miraculous recovery by Monday. I don’t love the office politics, but I DO love a voucher.