After spending almost an hour trying to cut slices of cheese and ending up with several pieces that resembled door wedges rather than thin strips of cheddar, I was losing the will to live. I don’t know why the knife kept veering off after the half way point sSo I turned to the Tube of You in hope that it could prescribe a more effective technique.

I tippity-tapped into the search box and, amongst many gross videos of people passing wind, started looking for a suitable tutorial. I clicked on one (it was an Ainsley special so I was hoping for big things), then discovered a “suggested” video underneath: food ASMR.

Now ASMR is essentially noises that people make on an expensive microphone that are supposed to make your skin, head and back tingle – a cheaper alternative to a massage. You listen to it using headphones and many people find it relaxing. Like the weirdo that I am, I took on board YouTube’s suggestion and fell asleep on the sofa listening to a lady chomping on sea grapes (are they even a thing?), and whispering “mmmmm” (yes, it does sound like a creepy pastime).

Once I awoke I abandoned the search for cheese and started looking for more ASMR vids. It was a Saturday “jarmer” day so I had nothing better to do with my time –walking the dog, cleaning the litter tray and fixing the bathroom door so that the kids could finally escape could wait until tomorrow.

I soon realised that most of the food-based videos were made by southerners eating exotic food that I’d never heard of, like lettuce and wafer thin ham. I was looking for something I’d enjoy, like a Scouser eating pickles or a Geordie talking me through a battered Mars bar recipe.

Even though my confidence is through the roof, it’s misguided. Confidence does NOT accurately reflect someone’s skill level, yet at this time I believed it did. So I gathered some of my favourite food items and started making my own ASMR video…

I didn’t have a mic so I used my mobile to record myself in my bedroom while I set a talkboy up as a mic(I’m pretty sure these electronics are compatible).

I didn’t want to jump right into the eating segment so I thought I’d start with some whispering, you know, to help folk get into a relaxed state. I wanted to keep it Cumbrian so my intro began with a few random phrases I always hear round these parts: “Hiya lad… did she what… here ey… like… has ya got nowt cheaper… garn yam… no bother.”

After this I moved on to the big guns. I started munching on some crisps, very loudly into the talkboy: “Cheese XL…XL… XL…” I whispered in between chomps.

Next I moved onto taking slurps from something I’d prepared earlier: “Bisto…” I stated seductively while continuing to slurp it from a spoon. This was followed by a cough. Chunks of Bisto not stirred properly.

I ended the video by scoffing down several of Moorclose’s finest battered sausages. I got my mouth up to camera as close as I could, just to be sure should the audience had a good visual should they require any further help to relax.

I hope I have the confidence to post the finished product. I can’t think of anything that would make your lugs and brain tingle as much. I just hope they’re tingling through joyful relaxation…