We all love a good package, don’t we? Packages are awesome, particularly the cuboid variety. Packages are presents. They are the carriers of shoes, bath bombs and impulse purchases.

Envelopes are the antonym of parcels – they are harbingers of Council Tax bills and parking fines. When I see the posty coming down my drive with an eBay item (usually a bin bag sellotaped around something) my heart skips a beat. So I put out the ciggie and give it a jumpstart with a fist, then head out to greet him with an ‘Arrggghhh! Me stuff!’ Conversely if it’s an envelope I hold the letterbox shut.

My love of parcels took a turn for what I’d definitely call the ‘unhealthy’ this week. For some reason I’d outgrown my passion of watching members of the public having meltdown’s in shops on youTube, so I started browsing for something equally as entertaining. I stumbled across videos of some brave/crazy dudes opening mystery boxes that they had purchased from the deep/dark web.

Usually these packages contain sinister items but sometimes they hold cash! So because I’m an ideal candidate for a brain transplant, I was watching these videos and telling myself: ‘Ooooohhhh, that’s exciting! It’s a good idea, that! Might make a few bob!’ Yes, I know. Hindsight is such a beautiful thing!

So I kept watching these videos, enthralled, thinking maybe I could upload my un-boxing onto YouTube? Maybe I’d buy a box containing five grand? Or better yet 5,000 Toblerones?!

Now, I must point out at this point that I have no IT skills. I didn’t know how to access a site that might send me a wad of cash, I don’t even know how to get rid of the talking paperclip when he pops up. So, when you need (potentially bad) advice who you gonna call? YOUR BROTHER!

‘They’re illegal a lot of them sites, Shell.’ He told me. ‘Why do you think they don’t show up on Google? Someone could send you something nasty like a foot…….or a foot with toe fungus. It’s not all free cash and diamonds.’

After the words sank in and the cartoons and childish music had stopped playing in my head, the hindsight thing set in.

‘I don’t wanna catch fungus.’ I whispered, in terror.

So, to play it safe, I bought one for forty squid off good old eBay! Reasonably priced tat sometimes, if you’re lucky, you can get the stains off in one go.

I saw the postman parading down the path a few days later and ran to snatch my parcel, skulking backwards into the house squealing ‘pppprrrreeeccciiiooouussss!’ as I rubbed the box.

I knew it wouldn’t be anything bad from eBay so I dived right in, only shoving my hand under the flaps to touch something cold and wet... And to add insult to injury there was no cash.

So what was it? Well I’m sorry for the anticlimax – some perfume has leaked all over a pair of fluffy slippers. Maybe now I’ll stick to ruining my own surprises, at least I’ll be sure the slippers are the right size (and minus the fungal nail infection).